...and another review of the script

I'm a member of writing site WriteWords (www.writewords.org.uk) and Zoetrope virtual studio (www.zoetrope.com). Both these sites let you submit short screenplay scripts, that you have written, for review. I am also a member of TriggerStreet, where you can also submit a script for review but only a full length one (you can also submit short films for review there too).

Here is a review I received, for the "Hit me baby" script, from Zoetrope member Daniel William Hesford.

"Very funny script, with a massive amount of cinematice potential. To be honest, the narrative opens in what seems to be quite a cliched and overtly pretentious style yet this is all set up for what is to come and the payoff is more than satisfying.

In fact, the narrative confounds expectations several times; the struggling couple turn into the employee/employer, the sombre, resigned assassination turns into a wacky retirement party. The changes of direction work well and are handled ably enough that there is little sense of discontinuity.

Dialogue is good - I would like to see more work in terms of emphasising the tone at each juncture; the narrative skips from dour romantic drama, to malevolence-laden tension, to sad inveitability to joviality. Maybe there is more to be drawn out here?

Characterisation is slightly thin although the personalities are well-drawn and recognizable and since there is a story to be getting on with, perhaps too much development would be distracting.

In all, the joke works extremely well; laugh out loud funny at the end. Hope these points are helpful - if anything, I think the piece could be longer!"

Scripts first review

Here is the first review I received of the script. The reviewer is Julie Balloo, a site expert from the Write words writers web site:

"Hi Richard,

I really enjoyed reading this short. It's very visual and each twist and turn is a joy to uncover. It might be nice to inject some faux romance at the top, just to give it even more depth. Obviously at the beginning we're thinking he's going to dump her so it would be interesting to have a are they/aren't they subtext which is then totally blown away. I thought that line as he climbs the stairs - 'I told her I was leaving but only on my terms' sorry about the paraphrasing, I can't cut and paste for some reason, is a bit wordy. It just jarred and took me away from the mounting tension. Loved the ending, very clever. I was left wondering though if Jim wouldn't perhaps have a little nudge or wink line to Henry suggesting that he knew Henry couldn't hurt him. I might be completely on the wrong track, so let me know."

I'm really happy with this. If anyone reading out there has their own comments/review of the script (good or bad) then please post it as a comment.

Next Script Update

Well, we're getting there. I've got the rough story boards that Rob has been putting together. I'll try and scan those tomorrow and upload them.

In the mean time, I have made the current set of script updates.

The new script can be found here:
http://www.normanwildman.com/shortfilmscripts/Hit me baby-20070218.pdf

I have also typed up the first of the alternative endings we were discussing. Here is a script contining alternative ending #1 :
http://www.normanwildman.com/shortfilmscripts/Hit me baby-20070218-alt1.pdf

The First Draft

I fired up my long since dormant word processor and started to put together a first draft of the script idea. As it was such a short piece (4-5 pages) it didnt take very long to get a starter for ten.

Here is a link to the script as it is: http://www.normanwildman.com/shortfilmscripts/HitMeBaby.pdf