...and another review of the script

I'm a member of writing site WriteWords (www.writewords.org.uk) and Zoetrope virtual studio (www.zoetrope.com). Both these sites let you submit short screenplay scripts, that you have written, for review. I am also a member of TriggerStreet, where you can also submit a script for review but only a full length one (you can also submit short films for review there too).

Here is a review I received, for the "Hit me baby" script, from Zoetrope member Daniel William Hesford.

"Very funny script, with a massive amount of cinematice potential. To be honest, the narrative opens in what seems to be quite a cliched and overtly pretentious style yet this is all set up for what is to come and the payoff is more than satisfying.

In fact, the narrative confounds expectations several times; the struggling couple turn into the employee/employer, the sombre, resigned assassination turns into a wacky retirement party. The changes of direction work well and are handled ably enough that there is little sense of discontinuity.

Dialogue is good - I would like to see more work in terms of emphasising the tone at each juncture; the narrative skips from dour romantic drama, to malevolence-laden tension, to sad inveitability to joviality. Maybe there is more to be drawn out here?

Characterisation is slightly thin although the personalities are well-drawn and recognizable and since there is a story to be getting on with, perhaps too much development would be distracting.

In all, the joke works extremely well; laugh out loud funny at the end. Hope these points are helpful - if anything, I think the piece could be longer!"